For the first time in my stay at home Mom life, for one fleeting moment, I found myself missing work! I have been staying at home for a few years now, and the job I walked away from was not my passion. I fell into trading by complete randomness (story for another day). I have two design degrees, finance was not what I had intended for a twelve year run. It did so happen that I was very good at it. Trading was everything you read and see in the movies...stressful (yes), lucrative (yes), exciting (yes), nail biting, rich and broke by the tick of the market, testosterone infested,you're only as good as your last p&l, turned my mouth into a foul spewing profanity mess, and more (yes).
I haven't followed the market, at all, since I walked away. I haven't even worn a watch (I bought an expensive watch with my first big paycheck, and I took it off and buried it in a drawer the day I left the floor.) This morning, Husband was watching CNBC (an every morning ritual in my former life). He left for work, and I kept it on. The market was getting ready to take another dive into the crapper after closing at huge losses yesterday. For that moment, I wished I was trading. Weird feeling for me! That feeling just before the opening, equal excitement and dread, fear and potential, loss and gain, all rolled up in a big ball of anxiety on the opening of a volatile market. There it was, something I hadn't felt in years. I don't want to go back to trading, at all! Maybe it was just some kind of muscle memory, I don't know if that happens with feelings? It was certainly a first time for me.
Transitioning to SAHMommydom is not easy, not for me at least. I don't regret my decisions at all, but there are moments every day where I think "How am I going to get through this?" Usually when I am wrestling a poopy diaper off of one baby, while the other is tugging at my shorts crying, as the cat takes a dump! It is not glamorous. That being said, I am proud, lucky, happy, grateful...that I have the opportunity to stay home and raise my babies. I don't know what that miss trading feeling was? Maybe it was the financial independence I had in earning my own money....I am not sure. I do know this, staying at home with the babies is exponentially harder for me than trading ever was....
I haven't followed the market, at all, since I walked away. I haven't even worn a watch (I bought an expensive watch with my first big paycheck, and I took it off and buried it in a drawer the day I left the floor.) This morning, Husband was watching CNBC (an every morning ritual in my former life). He left for work, and I kept it on. The market was getting ready to take another dive into the crapper after closing at huge losses yesterday. For that moment, I wished I was trading. Weird feeling for me! That feeling just before the opening, equal excitement and dread, fear and potential, loss and gain, all rolled up in a big ball of anxiety on the opening of a volatile market. There it was, something I hadn't felt in years. I don't want to go back to trading, at all! Maybe it was just some kind of muscle memory, I don't know if that happens with feelings? It was certainly a first time for me.
Transitioning to SAHMommydom is not easy, not for me at least. I don't regret my decisions at all, but there are moments every day where I think "How am I going to get through this?" Usually when I am wrestling a poopy diaper off of one baby, while the other is tugging at my shorts crying, as the cat takes a dump! It is not glamorous. That being said, I am proud, lucky, happy, grateful...that I have the opportunity to stay home and raise my babies. I don't know what that miss trading feeling was? Maybe it was the financial independence I had in earning my own money....I am not sure. I do know this, staying at home with the babies is exponentially harder for me than trading ever was....
It seems to me that I got to be that person for over twelve years. The single person living in a two bedroom condo, making her own money and training for marathons. I was type "A" living in a clean, controlled space and the only responsibility I had was to myself. I have only been this person for a couple years, and it has been quite a change...most definitely for the better, but there has been a lot of change! The best way I can put it is; I traded going toe to toe with huge a**holes for hugs giggles stories and tantrums, making lots of money for making no money at all, my quiet sterile condo for an overflowing baby toy house of chaos, ten mile training runs for stroller power walks, rock star abs for some dough in the middle....Was it the best trade I ever made?...Absolutely!
However, once those babies are grown up and get their own lives, there still is the opportunity to return to that world of excitment, challenge and independent (even with a spouse) living.
ReplyDeleteKids do grown up and leave, there is hope for your future.
Then you might even look back and wish for those poopy diapers.
Won't know until you get there in 20 years.
I can only hope!
ReplyDeleteI quit wearing a watch after I had my first baby! (Hey I always have my cell phone, so who needs a watch!) ;)
ReplyDeleteEvery once in a while I miss the "single girl career years" when I just had myself to take care of and could just take off on a whim to shop, go out, whatever. But I was also incredibly self-centered.
Now I have been more than happy to cut back at work and I like spending as much time at home with my family as possible. My company is very family friendly, otherwise I probably would have quit working!
Maybe in a few years when your kids start school you can work part time? It does get easier the older they get to start carving time for "you" again.
One thing is certain...you will never regret spending as much time with your babies as possible!